New again.

I know that no one probably reads my blog, but if you do..kudos. I read it finding myself just...difficult. In the way like "shes just a whiney kid who needs help". Or, something like that I suppose. I am not sure of how much I weigh anymore, and I do not care to find out. I am eating meat and bread again, I go to a public school, and hell..I even got myself a neopet. Yes, I do go to a gym, but that just makes me even hungrier! I got muscle, my hair is thickening in, and of course my menstrual system has been in my life. I still have those thoughts of being fat once in awhile, but not so much anymore. Looking back I cannot believe I was ever like that. ME, a girl who could eat a whole rack of ribs...ME, the girl who's first favorite vegetable was the Gerkin-Dill Pickle. As far as it goes, I am still trying to find out who I am,slowly getting some confidence. I will not allow any comparing to of other people. Of how skinny they are compared to me, or their hair compared to me, or just something...compared to me. I started painting and sketching awhile ago, so I've been focusing on making that as my career. But since I go to a charter school, I'll have to spend one year at a community college since it is not accredited. I have yet to date,...I've got a couple offers, but no one that I am really interested in. I have to love myself before loving another person. For now I guess you could say art is my boyfriend? Its what I can feel alive to by sitting there and painting, or sketching. Though I find it most difficult doing this when I think, because then when I think I get critical of myself. And you can bet my mom is by my side...she has always been by my side. I could never ask for anything better. Or, maybe, ...just maybe, MICA? Well, that'll have to wait. It is Autumn, and despite a bad day I've had, I feel warm, and orange,and bright. You should really try Pumkin Butter too, on toast, or on Pumkin Pancakes...YUM. I will try and update in you more. I have to go get ready for the day. Even though I woke up at like 1:23. Though I did go to bed at five. And anyway, there is always coffee. For a strange reason I feel jolted, elightened, this morning. OKAY, so, have a great...Autumn.

P.s. I found out there is A) A Nightmare Before Christmas Monopoly and B) A Beatles Monopoly. Noted, must get it.

Lost.

So, I have lost about 12 pounds; I weighed 136, now I way 120, and are continuing on the diet in the hopes of becoming 110. The diet plan is pretty much no sweets, no meat, no bread, or any heavy carb-ish type thing. I must say, eating Special K really helps, and I've realized how obsessed I am with being skinny. Infact, I am fighting hunger pains currently as I type. I find that being skinny is going to make me happier, I hope I'm rite. Otherwise I've turned down alot of my old favorite candies and fatty foods. GOD...I miss fatty foods.
Plus I have to be thinner because I am going to be joining the Academy of Ballet. I need to be in stick thin shape.
Again, I hope this makes me happy the way I think it's going to.
I guess I feel as if something productive is being done. I am still trying to sort out the reasons why I wake up in the morning.


Wheres the motivation?....the lingering hunger for passion?
...to be a kid again.